Why aren’t you at lunch?
🙂 Hey Party People!
Good golly, it sure has been quite a long time hasn’t it? You probably thought it was something you did but I assure you it’s not what you think. I’m not mad at you. As a matter of fact I’m happy to see you, again!
I certainly hope you didn’t miss me, though I can only imagine the depths of misery and solitude some of you must have descended into during my absence.
So apart from the separation anxiety how is everybody? For your sake and my own I hope you all have killer weekend plans. Why not? It’s going to be awesome tomorrow and you better take full advantage of this most beauteous weather!
The master plan is as follows: COOK OUT! Grilling meats with one hand and pouring a beer down my throat with the other all while wearing my vintage apron (the one with the lace fringes). If that doesn’t scream hipster then the definition of hipster is clearly incorrect. The tunes, like the alcohol, will flow and a good time will be had by all, including the pets.
Once the neighborhood is thoroughly saturated with the smell of grease, charcoal and deliciously seared meatness it’s time to cut loose and roll out with the gang to get into trouble in the city. If none of us are in jail by the late evening we’ll hit up a club or two where I’ll throw down my whitest moves in the middle of a dance floor recently vacated by people who don’t care to be anywhere near a guy who reeks of smoke and beef [and alcohol].
The night will end perfectly in the wee hours of the following morning. I have no details on how that will go because, heck, I’ll be too blitzed to do anything.
Have a glorious weekend, people and STAY OUT OF TROUBLE!
Ladies and gentlemen, as I type there is an unspeakable horror being perpetrated by the candy industry at large.
Every single day companies produce chocolate bars like Milky Way, Snickers and Charleston Chews that are packed with ingredients like caramel, peanuts, toffee, almonds and nougat. However, there is a grave fact that has eluded the general public for decades:
Nougat actually comes from an animal.
That’s correct. Nougat, that stuff you thought was a concoction of honey, sugar and nuts is actually of bio-organic origin. If this is the first time the shocking truth has been revealed to you, you are not alone. The chocolate bar companies spend billions of dollars every year to keep the truth from coming out. Their efforts result in the fire-bombings, vandalism and destruction of scientific laboratories where state and federal health service agencies like the FDA conduct testing of food products to verify their safety and ensure they are suitable for public consumption.
The origin of nougat, worldwide, is the creature called the Noogit: a small, flightless bird that is only found on a handful of islands in Micronesia. The average, adult noogit is no larger than a softball, covered with dark brown feathers and has a bright yellow-orange, flat bill.
These creatures are completely harmless, yet they are brutally hunted and captured by the hundreds to feed the global demand for “nougat”. Local wildlife authorities have been monitoring the noogit for years and, according to their latest report, the noogit population has been on the decline, annually, for the last 4 years. The local government has even sought to make hunting of the noogit illegal but it remains doubtful that such laws will stop multinational companies like Mars from continuing to carry out their operations to capture and kill as many noogits as they can.
Please help stop the mass slaughter of these poor, innocent creatures. Share the truth with your families, your friends, your readers, anyone willing to listen. Tell them to join the rest of us in the fight to stop these heartless, greedy companies from wiping another precious creature off the face of the Earth!