, , , , , , , ,

Hey, Party People!

Miss me?

That’s so very kind of you! I missed you, too. I can’t count the number of nights I’ve hugged myself into a ball, stared blankly at the wall and rocked myself to sleep while thinking of you… Too much?

(To do: Insert smooth and meaningful segue here.)

“What compels our dear Internet-personality-wannabe to emerge from his hermit-like seclusion to post, again,” you could be asking yourself. Well, my friends, I wish we could find ourselves talking about happier things right now but what I want to discuss is very grave, indeed.

For those of you who don’t live in the mid-Atlantic or New England part of the United States, we have been experiencing an oddly long winter. Temperatures have rarely climbed above 45 except for a few rare days and nights have been routinely at or below freezing. What should have been rain has been coming down as snow since the beginning of the year and as recent as yesterday.

What could all this mean???

I firmly believe it’s a sign that Mother Nature is done with the human race (or at least with the Eastern seaboard). The winter has been oppressively cold and we’ve already seen record snowfall. The whole polar vortex explanation sounded plausible at first, but this prolonged weather condition can only be attributed to natural forces that are trying to cleanse the earth like the immune system attacking a foreign, harmful organism.

Things look bleak for the human race but fret not for there is a solution.

We need to appeal to the United Nations and rally our allies in the face of this great threat and to mobilize our collective military might against the forces of Nature. We will reinforce the US-Canadian border with infantry and anti-aircraft weapons in order to defend the homeland from the icy winds that bear down on us from the north. Many lives may be lost in the process but the US-Canadian border defensive must be maintained at all costs.

NORAD will start monitoring meteorological phenomenon more closely in order to identify the next potential snowstorm. Should an atmospheric disturbance be foolish enough to develop into another Nor-Easter, a nuclear warhead should be fired at it. Why even wait for the situation to get that bad for that matter? See a patch of cold air? Nuke it!

This is a cause everyone can get behind because no matter what anyone says: the weather affects us all.



Seriously, though. It’s freakin’ cold.